What's happened? How can I have begun to relapse back into my 2pm wine drinking ways? And by that I mean drinking wine at home by myself (well, with the cat but I haven't yet bought him cat wine. Yet.) I'm not having a leisurely boozy lunch with girlfriends or my boyfriend for that matter. This all feels very 2 years ago. (2 years!!!)
I'm really struggling at the moment. I'm stuck in such a rut and I know that something needs to be done to get out of it but what?
My life is a big bundle of stress right now. Stress about my job, stress about Ryan's job, stress about Ryan stressing about his job, stress about our home, stress about our relationship. The only stress free thing is the cat who is so chilled out he is quite literally horizontal.
I'm so worried that this stress will cause me and Ryan to break up. AAAAHHHH there I said it!!!
Our relationship has not run its course. We have brilliant days. Days where I can see why I fell in love with him (ew) and how much fun we have together. He's cheeky, he's relaxed, he's kind, he's funny. We had an amazing time in Turkey with no arguments - not even one cross word and that included a 4 hour flight! I have my fingers and toes crossed that our break in Budapest in 2 weeks will have the same effect.
But then we have days like yesterday. And the days before that. And probably today when he gets home from work. Days when one of us will say the wrong word and just like that, the evening's gone in a haze of silence until we go to sleep. Days when we play fight and Ryan doesn't understand that when I say stop, I mean stop. He's just a big kid but doesn't realise that sometimes enough is enough until oops I have an enormous bruise on my knee. Days when fun soon turns into arguing.
He thinks it's my fault. I think it's his fault and also probably my fault. He's a realist. I live on a cream puff of optimism. We're clashing in ways we previously would have melded.
I think it's all due to work and money. The most boring, adult of things. I earn living wage. He earns almost triple. If I didn't have him, the term 'living wage' would mean nothing. I could not afford to live down south on my earnings. That's just a fact and also really puts into perspective how little I can give here.
I'd love to be able to put money away in a house fund, a travel fund. I'd love to be able to treat Ryan to dinners out, to spontaneous adventures. I'd love to be able to buy little things that I'd like - a candle, a new blanket.
They say that money isn't everything, that money isn't happiness but by god it helps. I religiously put money in my house fund, in my travel fund, to our food shops, to little treats out. But I am always left struggling. In a country that tries its hardest not to talk money, I have no shame in admitting that, if it wasn't split up between Ryan and I, my take home pay would only just cover the rent and bills. I would have no money for food, for the bus, for the cat. We live in a hell of an expensive place and let's be real; no one goes to work in charity for the money.
Since the collapse of the North Sea oil industry, Ryan has found it nigh on impossible to find a job in his sector. We were s lucky that he got this job but it meant us leaving Paris. It meant us settling down into a lifestyle we can't afford and into jobs that push us to breaking point. I mean, I used to love my job and I'd be perfectly happy staying in it for a good few years more but it just doesn't pay enough. I cannot afford to live on my job. Ryan's job pays well but he knows he could get so much more whilst doing a job that he loves. Or even tolerates more than he does this job.
So what's the answer? Because if something doesn't happen job wise rather sharpish, our relationship will break up. I'm not sure if Ryan is aware of this but it is entirely our lifestyle right now that is causing these strains between us.
Once I've written this, I'm going to rewrite my CV to make it all professional and pretty so people might hire me. But for what?!! I am a retail clone! The world is chock full of different, exciting industries but which is for me? And should I look for job satisfaction or money? Can you have both?
In an ideal world, I would love to earn enough money to support the both of us. That would then mean Ryan would respect me more, he could start working for his dream job and I would have the money I want to do things to fill our days with sunshine and rainbows. but can I do that? Can you move to a new job with little to no qualifications and quadruple your salary? I highly doubt it.
On the other hand, I dream of being able to work freelance at something (lol what) and go back to living in a studio in Paris (impeccably designed and decorated) with the cat whilst also having a converted campervan to take adventures in. Ryan potentially not applicable.
But I don't want to break up with him. I've become the girl that quits things - school, uni, Paris, potentially this job. I'll be damned if I do anything but stay strong in this relationship until the end. Be that next week or a hundred years from now.
But is it all up to me? From what I gather, yes it is. Ryan can't leave the job that sustains us to move to a lower paid job or even temping because I earn so little. Why can't we just drop everything and travel? Because money. Why can't we move elsewhere that's cheaper? Because jobs.
I'm so frustrated and scared at the prospect of change but it's horribly apparent that change is going to have to happen or else everything will disappear.
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