Thursday, 15 October 2015

LB (And To A Lesser Extent: Troy)

I've realised that every time it has properly ended with a man, I write something about it.

And (obvs) I haven't written anything about the train wreck that was LB yet because, up until about a week ago, I still wasn't sure I was 100% over him. There was about 0.01 of a percent of me that still thought about him in the way that I definitely shouldn't have.

But anyhoo, I messaged him last week. Not with any malicious intent of course, I just wanted to have some closure. I wanted to find out what he had thought of me when we were together (in the loosest sense of the word).

Long story short: he is the most boring man on the planet and apparently just found me 'interesting'.

And seriously, like the wave of a magic fucking fairy godmother wand, I'm over him. Completely. He doesn't pop into my head any more and even if he does, I have a record of the conversation that proves he is a boring fuck and probably couldn't deal with a conversation about poo.

Tiny Friend Holly says that we should now just ask people the moment we meet them if they would be comfortable talking about poo a lot as it makes up the majority of our conversations. Because we are adults.

So goodbye Sean. And fuck you for generally ripping my heart apart over the course of one very very long year. But also thank you. Thank you for making me realise what I really want. Which is not you. So again, fuck you. Also you're balding. You're very tall so you can't see it but I can assure you that it's starting.

Also lol totes forgot to do this about Troy about a billion years ago. So goodbye Gregor. Sorry I was a total bumhole to you. I hope you find someone that will have all the sex with you.

Sunday, 11 October 2015

Sundays In Paris

Are boring as fuck.

Mainly because my bae (do people still use this word? Did they ever non ironically?) of a supermarket is closed on Sundays so I have to make the awful journey to the shithole of Franprix a few streets away.

Anyhoo, I thought we could all do a Things What I Have Done This Week because of aforementioned boredom and also I have things of cray cray excite to share.

1. I got some really good apples yesterday. They look like Snow White apples. Like, properly red and stuff. Not poisoned. So that's fun.

2. When bored on another day, I found this link from a blog. Can't remember what blog. But hey, that's life - full of little disappointments. Anyway I found it sweet and a little bit sad and I even shared it on Facebook like a middle aged mother: I met you in the rain on the last day of 1972

3. Before R left me all on my lonesome as he had to go and play on a boat, we played an epic* game of Scrabble. This picture was my lock screen on my phone until I changed it for a picture of a cat.

*It was epic because we filled the board and played until we couldn't think of any more words and had run out of letters. I realise all the words are a bit shit. Except for sausage. That was mine.

4. We played another game the night after and R got like 200 points in his first few goes because he kept finishing all his letters and I got really mad...

I got even more annoyed when he pointed out that I only had one 'arse'. The other 2 were 'iarse' and 'asre'. Either way, I think he knew what I was getting at. 200 bloody points..

5. The Dreaded Tourists descended on Paris on Saturday like a flock of really annoying geese with big cameras. And yes I used to be one myself, I know, but I feel like I've been here 2 months so I have the right to complain. Although it was totally my fault for going to try and find a bookshop at Notre Dame. Because Notre Dame is all famous and shit. 

6. I've read a fuck tonne of books since getting to Paris and also since having my internet and Netflix snatched horribly from me. And I've loved it. To an extent. It's been so nice to curl up with my Kindle and yes, I am fully aware it is not as good as a book but it's been so useful so there's that. 

Sadly they are the most interesting Things What I Have Done This Week that I could think of. Here, have a picture of Paris looking deceivingly pretty to make up for it.

Have a good Sunday, fuckers.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

In Other News

Long time no talk chickadees! Baby I'm back!

Well back for a very short time as I have the most terrible internet that keeps cutting out every 5 minutes. It's like being back in the world of dial up.

Anyhoo, what's been happening? Tell me all!

I'm in Paris. Yep, I did it, fo realz. I am honest to God living in Paris like the artsy bohemian that I truly am... I can even see the Sacre Coeur from my window. Well, not my window. The window on the stairs up to my hovel garret. I live on the 7th floor in a studio apartment. Everything is in the one room which I am almost definitely positive is illegal. My toilet is not even a foot away from my cooker. Where food is made. That I will eat. I do not want shit particles invading my food but hey! That's what you get for deciding to come live in Paris!

What's worse than a tiny room to live in? A tiny room to live in with your 6'9 boyfriend! Yep, SD (hereafter known as R because SD is no longer a thing. Sad face. I know, life moves on, it's hard. And yes, I still get a kick out of anonymity) is staying with me. For most of the time. Right now he's away on a boat somewhere and I am bored out of my tits.

But it's all good. I still love him, even though I am acutely aware of what his poo smells (and looks) like. Although who am I kidding, we crossed that bridge in about week 2 of our relationship.

Honestly, in all the excitement of coming to Paris, I'd completely forgotten I'd have to look after children.

Good God. Children.

I hate them.

I mean yeah they can be cute and whatnot and yes I have a pretty cushy deal in that I only get them 20 hours a week but oh my good lord I cannot stand them. They whine and cry and hit and I just do not have the temperament for that kind of bullshit.

But hey - I get the chance to live in Paris rent free and bill free! I even get some of my food paid for! And for minimal work! That's the dream! Right?! Right!?... Right?


I am bored. And unsettled. And yes, also a whiny over privileged bitch no doubt.

I know, I know, I was all over leaving uni for the bright lights of the Eiffel Tower but now things have changed again. Yes, I couldn't believe I was living in Paris for the first month. But now (2 months in) I've had a change of heart.

The thing is, to my ditzy fuck of a mind, I want to settle down. I want to live with R and have somewhere we can call our own and put our stamp on. I want a big fat cat. I want to be able to make friends and just put roots down somewhere. I'm craving this so much that I'm losing sense of what this whole Paris thing was to me. Aren't I a complete twat?

On the plus side, I've found a cat cafe. Like, an actual cafe with cats in it. Real cats. I know, be still my beating heart. Fucking love cats.

Look. It's all cute and shit.

There's a cat in there. I know. Best day ever.

Clearly I have things to think about but hey, I've rediscovered my blog and will continue to write my mindless babble about meaningless things.

But not cats. Cats are far from meaningless.

But seriously, fill me in. What's been happening? Also am I being an idiot wanting to leave Paris already even though it's not that shit?