There Are No Stars

Two posts in one day? What madness is this?

Do you believe in signs?

Signs from the universe?

I do. Rarely. But I do. And tonight, I got a sign.

I've told you before that I love the beach here and the wide expanse of the ocean. I go there to think about stuff and it's where most of my great realisations occur. Of which there are many. And one of the times I was at the beach a couple of months ago, I texted LB asking if he wanted to come. I then used my excellent persuasive skills to tell him that 'there's stars and shit' which would of course further his desire to come to the beach. I have done this every time I've gone to the beach since then.

I wrote an obviously hilarious post about it here. It also turned out to be the first time we had sex. Ah, how time flies when you're having your heart wrenched about by a bastard law student.

I texted him the same thing on Bonfire Night. Practically the entire city had turned up to watch the fireworks from the beach. Bloody love fireworks. And Bonfire Night in particular. I remember last year when I was still living at halls and everyone was all bundled up in scarves and winter coats (because Aberdeen is as sodding cold as a snowman's arse) and we all walked down together. And as we walked down to the beach, everyone else was going too - families and friends and couples - all as cosied up as we were. It brought a lump to my throat. Because I am a soppy cow. It was the same this year. I think Bonfire Night is fast becoming my favourite day of the year. When we got to the beach this year, I saw LB. He didn't see me so I texted him saying 'there's stars and shit'. Because I am hilarious. He replied saying he was here. I was like, for once. And then as the fireworks began, I got a text from him saying; 'there's fireworks and shit'. Is it just me overthinking it or was I right to get ridiculously happy from that text? God, fireworks make me cry.

Anyway. Earlier this evening, I had gotten crazy mad at him. Not physically at him or over the phone at him - he has no idea I'm mad. No, I got mad at him by getting mad at myself. Basically, I went on his Facebook page and saw he'd changed his cover photo at the start of the month. He'd changed it to a table and chairs laid out in what looked very much like a date set up for two. There was even wine glasses and a bottle.

This got me mad. I started thinking wildly that maybe he was actually dating someone right now. I mean, sharing a man when it's only sex is fine by me. Sharing a man when it's dating is not. I would hate to be the girl he might  be dating and finding out that he's also been having sex with me and who knows how many others. Whether this is true or not, I have no idea. I'm mad. Shut up.

So I did what I usually do when mad. I went to the beach. Loud music on the way there, mainly this:

And this:

And then headphones out as soon as I catch sight of the waves. Because tonight, they were doing proper good wave things. It was all thunder-y and awesome. So I stood and watched the waves for a while. And as I did so, I looked up to the sky as usual.

It was cloudy and a heavy mist was starting to spread across the water and surround the lamp posts behind me. As I sat there, there was a huge rumbling noise - I guess a chorus of the waves, an aeroplane and the massive oil boat moving from the harbour. And I sat there in the wind with the mist and the rumbling and realised:

There are no stars.

On a night when I was so unbelievably angry at Sean and had gone to my favourite place, that very favourite place was telling me something. It was telling me that there was no point. That there were no stars left here. There were - there definitely had been stars a few weeks ago, but now there was nothing. No stars.

Having already deleted him as a friend on Facebook before I left (and forcefully thrown his jumper across my room), I deleted his conversation thread from my texts but then I wavered at deleting his number.

I started thinking to myself, what if he texts me asking if I was going out or if I was around? Then I wouldn't know who it was. What if that's my chance and I miss it?

I put my headphones back in on my way home to be greeted with this:

So you'll understand why I still haven't deleted his number. I'm not as angry any more. I know exactly how much pain each day will add on. And I know that the signs were right. Maybe not now, but at some point in the very near future, he will turn to me and end this. Whatever 'this' is. I just hope to hell it's not because he's started seeing someone. Not someone else. Just someone. Someone luckier than me?



His jumper is still crumpled up in the corner of my room.